Internet dating sites

Yes, I know - it's sad. But look at it from my point of view. I'm not naturally a very gregarious person with people I don't know, a bit shy and these days I can't stand bars and clubs because the music is too loud and I don't like it. All of which makes me sound like my Dad, but as I get older I appreciate the opportunity to have a pint in peace, not surrounded by teenagers on drugs who want to start fights. And anyway, whenever you're in such a place, you are generally rat arsed and half deaf which is not necessarily the best combination of factors for finding someone you might perhaps grow to love.

So with this in mind, where does your average 30 year old like me, who has a large but settled circle of friends (mostly in relationships of one level or another from committed partners up to married with kids) meet women? Or men, if you are of the lady persuasion.

Well, there's work, the old standby. Except that this can be a bit tricky. If you split up, you still have to work together (I used to work in a department where two people had gotten married and then divorced after he had an affair but they still had to work together. Ouch. Eventually, she got a posting for two years to America which is a bit drastic but whatever it takes I suppose). There is a saying that, if I may paraphrase, says "Don't shit on your own doorstep". And anyway, if you work in IT (as I do), there generally aren't many women about or those in other areas of the business will automatically assume you are a socially retarded geek. Which might be true, to be fair, but generally you aren't even given the chance.

So, where does that leave us? The television might have you believe that the supermarket is the meeting place du jour, but this is complete and utter bollocks. The supermarkets I use, because they are on the way home from work, are full of 15 year olds and their kids, obese women in velour leisurewear (often with the puzzlingly inaccurate slogan "Active" stretched across their corpulent arses) and people who would struggle to sit on the toilet the right way round, so that counts out the local ready meal emporium. I would shop at M&S (full of mumsy types but cracking food) or Waitrose (great food, frightening prices but usually well stocked with good looking women most of whom, I am sure, are happily ensconced in large penthouse apartments of with over-privileged tossers called Tarquin or something), but there aren't any anywhere near me.

So, bars and clubs are out, work is out and supermarkets are out. What's left? I have no idea, so I tried internet dating on a number of sites and my experiences can be summarised thus:

They are populated with nutters, denizens of the Kingdom of the Ugly People, and liars. Of all the pictures of people who you think are good looking, probably only one or two are genuine and you can bet they get inundated with messages so you have no chance. Either that or no one bothers to answer any messages at all, or, in the unusual event that a girl sends you a message or responds to one of yours, everything seems to go well and then it falls apart faster than a French car. One girl was so enthusiastic, she wanted to talk by phone and asked for my number, so I gave I to her and that was the last I heard of her (she contacted me first as well).

I've given up now. I no longer care. I've made it this far in life on my own, I'll make it further yet. It seems that unless you have a massive bank balance or you're some kind of narcissistic Adonis or a total bastard, women just aren't interested in you. I'm a regular sort of guy: nothing special to look at, granted, but I'm intelligent, have a good sense of humour, have a good job and so on, but apparently that just makes me an also ran and it would seem that nothing I try changes that. Internet dating is rubbish and all a big lie, so here's a tip for you. Don't bother. Save your money and spend it on a night out with your friends. You'll get a lot more out of it.