Notes of the afflicted

It's funny. I never knew it was possible to feel at once so utterly and excruciatingly frightened and sad yet be so filled with a love that brings warmth to the coldest of places. Right now I'm sitting on a busy inter-city train under harsh, unforgiving strip lights making my way home and therefore by extension closer to the reason for that love. And I both dread and long for the experience. This very train, were I to stay on it, would take me to the place where the girl I am so hopelessly and totally in love with lives. A part of me says "Stay on. Go and see her. Make everything OK" but the rational part of me knows that turning up on her doorstep at 11 pm on a Sunday night would not be a good move, and would leave me stranded a long way from home and very much not in favour. There are other reasons too, whic I won't go into partly because they are private but mostly because thinking about them makes me unhappy beyond belief.

I went away this weekend because I knew I needed some time away. I went to Oxford to see my sister and her family, including my newest nephew for the first time (and what a diamond he is - I don't normally get mushy about babies but this kid just completely captivated me).
Problem was, everything I saw and did, I thought "Oh Em would love this - I must bring her here" and then I'd remember and I'd be back at square one. I even bought a couple of books on popular philosophy hoping to take my mind off things but they just make me question my
previous foolish actions all the more. Can't win.

So what am I to do, stuck on this train and in this melancholy? I don't know, is the short answer. If I were a character in a book or a film, I'm sure there would be some amazing speech i could make to her or I'd appear at her door, sweep her off her feet and we'd live happily ever after. But this is real life, not a trashy airport novel or a big budget Hollywood rom com. Real life doesn't, and never has,
worked like that. I am not used to my future happiness and emotions being in the hands of another and maybe that's the problem. I am, I freely admit, quite emotionally naive. But then this is exactly what the girl I love was talking about. She said that to open oneself up to another, to love them and place your feelings and emotions in their hold is the ultimate expression of love and now I understand exactly what she meant. I just hope it's not too late and that she can still find it in her heart to allow herself love as I mow know she surely does.

Listening to: So Tonight That I Might See - Mazzy Star