modern man in tune with his feelings and able to share, I guarantee
you there will come a time in life when you conform to every
stereotype of the reticent male there has ever been. I thought I was
modern and able to share and talk about feelings but at the crunch
moment I discovered that in fact I was the complete antithesis of
everything I had always believed myself to be in that regard. It
rather astonished me, but worse than that it may have caused
irreperable damage to a relationship that I value more than any other
I've ever had. And this is the root of what is eating at me. Even
writing this is making my stomach tie itself in knots as it means I am
thinking about that person and the possibility that I will lose them
for good. Trust me, it feels a bit like the arse is falling out of my
eod and I'm going with it.
Love. It's a small word but possibly it has more ramifications than
any other in the English language. It's bandied about a bit too freely
sometimes, but user beware: It is a very powerful word and once spoken
cannot be taken back. If you mean it then say it and be proud. If you
don't then shut your pie hole because saying it without meaning it can
cause enormous pain. But then even if you mean it, sometimes saying it
is the problem.
And here's where this week ties in. I didn't say it as early as i
could, but I should have because it's not something you should hold
back on. Previously I spoke about not knowing what love really was and
my subsequent realisation. Now I'm going to expand on that somewhat.
Love doesn't just 'happen' in my view. It grows from little things and
gets bigger and bigger until it is a thing in it's own right. Once you
realise it's there, it grows quicker. And as is well documented, it is
the most bitter-sweet of emotions.
For me, now, what began as a dawning on me that someone in particular
made me want to be protective and sharing and all the rest of it, has
developed to the point where thinking about her causes my heart to
skip a beat and my stomach to fill with butterflies. I can't bear the
thought of losing her and knowing that if I do then it's my own fault
isn't helping. I want to be with this person all the time and the idea
of being together for a long time doesn't scare me, it excites me. I'm
not saying she's 'the one' or that we'd marry tomorrow, but i am
saying I reckon we've a good shot at it. And to lose that would be
practically a crime and it would destroy me for the forseeable future.
So, gentlemen, I urge you: Learn from my mistakes, don't be an arse
and above all, talk. Talk about your feelings to the special person in
your life. It doesn't make you a gaylord or weak. In fact quite the
opposite. Don't waste a second on stupid and pointless mithering, get
on and do it or I guarantee you'll be sorry.
Listening to: The Somerset Experiments 004 - Steve Pettifer
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