...or get busy dying. So said the character Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption and as Ellis 'Red' Redding said, that's goddamn right. I watched it on Monday night for the umpteenth time and the line really struck a chord. You can't change what's gone before but you can do something about the future and if you don't live the future then you're already dead. So I decided to stop moping. Sure, I'm still sad, of course I am, but you can't live your life in self-pity and regret. You have to get over it and move on and do whatever it takes to be happy again. So that's what I'm doing, and right now I'm busy doing a masup/remix for my new DJ set which will see me once again featuring as this month's guest DJ on Bear Golightly's Alchemy Sessions on DI.fm on the 28th of September. Don't forget to tune in!!
Friday, September 10, 2010
Monday, September 06, 2010
Posted by Captain Flymo on 10:25 pm with No comments
It would seem that from the language involved there is absolutely no hope of getting back together. The first time I say "I love you" to a girl and it is wasted and I end up spending all my energy in despair and a black, black depression. It all seems so pointless now. I feel as though I will never meet anyone else like this again. Life just looks like a dull procession of routine and drudgery marked only by the growing nights and smudged by the grey, wet days. If this is love, why do we strive for it so hard? It seems, from this viewpoint, a cruel and mocking emotion that builds you up just for the pleasure of pushing you back down like a playground bully. Nothing seems good and pleasurable any more.
Sunday, September 05, 2010
Posted by Captain Flymo on 8:21 pm with No comments
It's funny. I never knew it was possible to feel at once so utterly and excruciatingly frightened and sad yet be so filled with a love that brings warmth to the coldest of places. Right now I'm sitting on a busy inter-city train under harsh, unforgiving strip lights making my way home and therefore by extension closer to the reason for that love. And I both dread and long for the experience. This very train, were I to stay on it, would take me to the place where the girl I am so hopelessly and totally in love with lives. A part of me says "Stay on. Go and see her. Make everything OK" but the rational part of me knows that turning up on her doorstep at 11 pm on a Sunday night would not be a good move, and would leave me stranded a long way from home and very much not in favour. There are other reasons too, whic I won't go into partly because they are private but mostly because thinking about them makes me unhappy beyond belief.
I went away this weekend because I knew I needed some time away. I went to Oxford to see my sister and her family, including my newest nephew for the first time (and what a diamond he is - I don't normally get mushy about babies but this kid just completely captivated me).
Problem was, everything I saw and did, I thought "Oh Em would love this - I must bring her here" and then I'd remember and I'd be back at square one. I even bought a couple of books on popular philosophy hoping to take my mind off things but they just make me question my
previous foolish actions all the more. Can't win.
So what am I to do, stuck on this train and in this melancholy? I don't know, is the short answer. If I were a character in a book or a film, I'm sure there would be some amazing speech i could make to her or I'd appear at her door, sweep her off her feet and we'd live happily ever after. But this is real life, not a trashy airport novel or a big budget Hollywood rom com. Real life doesn't, and never has,
worked like that. I am not used to my future happiness and emotions being in the hands of another and maybe that's the problem. I am, I freely admit, quite emotionally naive. But then this is exactly what the girl I love was talking about. She said that to open oneself up to another, to love them and place your feelings and emotions in their hold is the ultimate expression of love and now I understand exactly what she meant. I just hope it's not too late and that she can still find it in her heart to allow herself love as I mow know she surely does.
I went away this weekend because I knew I needed some time away. I went to Oxford to see my sister and her family, including my newest nephew for the first time (and what a diamond he is - I don't normally get mushy about babies but this kid just completely captivated me).
Problem was, everything I saw and did, I thought "Oh Em would love this - I must bring her here" and then I'd remember and I'd be back at square one. I even bought a couple of books on popular philosophy hoping to take my mind off things but they just make me question my
previous foolish actions all the more. Can't win.
So what am I to do, stuck on this train and in this melancholy? I don't know, is the short answer. If I were a character in a book or a film, I'm sure there would be some amazing speech i could make to her or I'd appear at her door, sweep her off her feet and we'd live happily ever after. But this is real life, not a trashy airport novel or a big budget Hollywood rom com. Real life doesn't, and never has,
worked like that. I am not used to my future happiness and emotions being in the hands of another and maybe that's the problem. I am, I freely admit, quite emotionally naive. But then this is exactly what the girl I love was talking about. She said that to open oneself up to another, to love them and place your feelings and emotions in their hold is the ultimate expression of love and now I understand exactly what she meant. I just hope it's not too late and that she can still find it in her heart to allow herself love as I mow know she surely does.
Listening to: So Tonight That I Might See - Mazzy Star
Saturday, September 04, 2010
Posted by Captain Flymo on 8:55 am with No comments
Gentlemen, take note. No matter how much you think you're a decent,
modern man in tune with his feelings and able to share, I guarantee
you there will come a time in life when you conform to every
stereotype of the reticent male there has ever been. I thought I was
modern and able to share and talk about feelings but at the crunch
moment I discovered that in fact I was the complete antithesis of
everything I had always believed myself to be in that regard. It
rather astonished me, but worse than that it may have caused
irreperable damage to a relationship that I value more than any other
I've ever had. And this is the root of what is eating at me. Even
writing this is making my stomach tie itself in knots as it means I am
thinking about that person and the possibility that I will lose them
for good. Trust me, it feels a bit like the arse is falling out of my
eod and I'm going with it.
modern man in tune with his feelings and able to share, I guarantee
you there will come a time in life when you conform to every
stereotype of the reticent male there has ever been. I thought I was
modern and able to share and talk about feelings but at the crunch
moment I discovered that in fact I was the complete antithesis of
everything I had always believed myself to be in that regard. It
rather astonished me, but worse than that it may have caused
irreperable damage to a relationship that I value more than any other
I've ever had. And this is the root of what is eating at me. Even
writing this is making my stomach tie itself in knots as it means I am
thinking about that person and the possibility that I will lose them
for good. Trust me, it feels a bit like the arse is falling out of my
eod and I'm going with it.
Love. It's a small word but possibly it has more ramifications than
any other in the English language. It's bandied about a bit too freely
sometimes, but user beware: It is a very powerful word and once spoken
cannot be taken back. If you mean it then say it and be proud. If you
don't then shut your pie hole because saying it without meaning it can
cause enormous pain. But then even if you mean it, sometimes saying it
is the problem.
And here's where this week ties in. I didn't say it as early as i
could, but I should have because it's not something you should hold
back on. Previously I spoke about not knowing what love really was and
my subsequent realisation. Now I'm going to expand on that somewhat.
Love doesn't just 'happen' in my view. It grows from little things and
gets bigger and bigger until it is a thing in it's own right. Once you
realise it's there, it grows quicker. And as is well documented, it is
the most bitter-sweet of emotions.
For me, now, what began as a dawning on me that someone in particular
made me want to be protective and sharing and all the rest of it, has
developed to the point where thinking about her causes my heart to
skip a beat and my stomach to fill with butterflies. I can't bear the
thought of losing her and knowing that if I do then it's my own fault
isn't helping. I want to be with this person all the time and the idea
of being together for a long time doesn't scare me, it excites me. I'm
not saying she's 'the one' or that we'd marry tomorrow, but i am
saying I reckon we've a good shot at it. And to lose that would be
practically a crime and it would destroy me for the forseeable future.
So, gentlemen, I urge you: Learn from my mistakes, don't be an arse
and above all, talk. Talk about your feelings to the special person in
your life. It doesn't make you a gaylord or weak. In fact quite the
opposite. Don't waste a second on stupid and pointless mithering, get
on and do it or I guarantee you'll be sorry.
Listening to: The Somerset Experiments 004 - Steve Pettifer
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Posted by Captain Flymo on 6:21 pm with No comments
So what really happened? Why am I so upset? This is the same person I've been out with and broken up with twice (oh yes, forgot to mention that). Both times it ended because I couldn't work out what I was feeling or if it was right for me. See, the problem with me is that I'm pretty naive when it comes to relationships and feelings, especially love. I've been in love before, once, a long time ago, and didn't even realise until later (too late) that I had been. The tragedy there is that I clearly didn't take away that lesson and learn from it.
You see, here's the thing: I was scared I wouldn't know if I was in love or not. I knew she was certainly very, very fond of me (I won't say love because I didn't know if it was or not. Turns out it was), but for that very reason I didn't want to keep her hanging on whilst I tried to work out which end of the stick was pointy and not poke myself in the eye. I always thought love was like this great big huge thing that lived inside you and was something akin to a great big trumpet fanfare and a flock of white doves ascending every time the person's name was mentioned. But then I wondered if perhaps that was just the result of watching way too many idiotic films (I do have a soft spot for rom-coms but don't tell anyone). I asked my housemate at one point, "How will I know if I'm in love with her?". She replied with a half-smile, "You'll just know". Problem was I was till hung up on the 'what if I don't fall in love with her' scenario and looking out of a massive pink monster with trumpets poking out of it and dove feathers sticking to in the recesses of my soul.
And now the rub: I finally realised that love isn't like that at all. Love is smiling when you think about someone. Love is missing them when they're not around. Love is wanting to protect them, make them laugh when they're unhappy, pick them up when they fall, keep them warm when it's cold. Love is a lot of things and those things are pretty ordinary and everyday, by and large, but the fact that it involves that someone makes it different and special and important. I was so busy chasing shadows and worrying that I might not fall in love that I didn't realise I already had.
Eventually though, love decided that it was fed up with being overlooked and decided to act. Metaphorically speaking, it backed away, took a run up and kicked me square in the balls with steel toe capped size 13's. "Noticed that, didn't you dickhead? Eh? Eh? All this time you've been wrapped up in your own insecurities and all along the thing you craved the most was there, waiting for you, you just had to look with your eyes, not your imagination. And now it's too late. But you noticed me now, eh, you bloody fool, and what have you to say for yourself? What's that? Nothing? That's right asshat, nothing because you and you alone squandered this. Twat.".
As you can see, my subconscious can be pretty scathing about me. And rightly so. Right now I feel as though a significant portion of my insides have been torn out of my chest and the evening sun seems dull to me. Nothing tastes right, nothing feels right and the future isn't bright, it's grey and drab. I have an extensive collection of downbeat, depressing music to keep me company as I wallow in self-pity (oh, yes, I know full well that's what I'm doing but anyone who has a problem with that can go eat a bowl of fuck), and yes, one day maybe I'll look back on this and laugh but right now that feels like a very, very long way off and a very, very remote possibility.
So I'll leave you with this thought: Alfred Lord Tennyson said in 1850 in the poem In Memoriam:27
You see, here's the thing: I was scared I wouldn't know if I was in love or not. I knew she was certainly very, very fond of me (I won't say love because I didn't know if it was or not. Turns out it was), but for that very reason I didn't want to keep her hanging on whilst I tried to work out which end of the stick was pointy and not poke myself in the eye. I always thought love was like this great big huge thing that lived inside you and was something akin to a great big trumpet fanfare and a flock of white doves ascending every time the person's name was mentioned. But then I wondered if perhaps that was just the result of watching way too many idiotic films (I do have a soft spot for rom-coms but don't tell anyone). I asked my housemate at one point, "How will I know if I'm in love with her?". She replied with a half-smile, "You'll just know". Problem was I was till hung up on the 'what if I don't fall in love with her' scenario and looking out of a massive pink monster with trumpets poking out of it and dove feathers sticking to in the recesses of my soul.
And now the rub: I finally realised that love isn't like that at all. Love is smiling when you think about someone. Love is missing them when they're not around. Love is wanting to protect them, make them laugh when they're unhappy, pick them up when they fall, keep them warm when it's cold. Love is a lot of things and those things are pretty ordinary and everyday, by and large, but the fact that it involves that someone makes it different and special and important. I was so busy chasing shadows and worrying that I might not fall in love that I didn't realise I already had.
Eventually though, love decided that it was fed up with being overlooked and decided to act. Metaphorically speaking, it backed away, took a run up and kicked me square in the balls with steel toe capped size 13's. "Noticed that, didn't you dickhead? Eh? Eh? All this time you've been wrapped up in your own insecurities and all along the thing you craved the most was there, waiting for you, you just had to look with your eyes, not your imagination. And now it's too late. But you noticed me now, eh, you bloody fool, and what have you to say for yourself? What's that? Nothing? That's right asshat, nothing because you and you alone squandered this. Twat.".
As you can see, my subconscious can be pretty scathing about me. And rightly so. Right now I feel as though a significant portion of my insides have been torn out of my chest and the evening sun seems dull to me. Nothing tastes right, nothing feels right and the future isn't bright, it's grey and drab. I have an extensive collection of downbeat, depressing music to keep me company as I wallow in self-pity (oh, yes, I know full well that's what I'm doing but anyone who has a problem with that can go eat a bowl of fuck), and yes, one day maybe I'll look back on this and laugh but right now that feels like a very, very long way off and a very, very remote possibility.
So I'll leave you with this thought: Alfred Lord Tennyson said in 1850 in the poem In Memoriam:27
'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all.However, in addition to that the Del Amitri song You're Gone says
But if you sit down and count the cost of all those losses, there's no profit at all.Right now, I'm not sure which is right and which is wrong.
Posted by Captain Flymo on 8:05 am with 2 comments
Well you won't be surprised to learn that it's the world of romance,
or lack thereof. In the not too recent past I had everything I could
wish for and yet somehow I managed to fuck it up. Twice. Anyway, to
pinch the title of the classic war film, too late the hero, I finally
got round to admitting to the girl in question that actually I do love
her. Worse, she knew. Worse still, I left it too late and she's met
someone new. What an idiot. After all that moaning about being single
I had it all and then squandered it. Seriously, what planet are we men
on?
or lack thereof. In the not too recent past I had everything I could
wish for and yet somehow I managed to fuck it up. Twice. Anyway, to
pinch the title of the classic war film, too late the hero, I finally
got round to admitting to the girl in question that actually I do love
her. Worse, she knew. Worse still, I left it too late and she's met
someone new. What an idiot. After all that moaning about being single
I had it all and then squandered it. Seriously, what planet are we men
on?
As I'm sure you you can guess, dear reader, I am not in a great frame
of mind now. I think it's fair to say you can probably expect a few
pretty depressing posts. I'm now going to go and put my head into the
oven.
Friday, July 09, 2010
Posted by Captain Flymo on 6:45 pm with No comments
One of my mixes has been chosen to be the guest mix on BEar Golightly's Alchemy Sessions this month on the di.fm progressive channel. You can hear the show from 9pm BST and I'll be playing from 10pm on Tuesday July 27th. I'm pretty excited about this so I hope you all tune in and enjoy the show, and make listening to Bear's excellent mixes a regular event (last Tuesday of every month).
Facebook page is here.
That is all.
Monday, June 07, 2010
Posted by Captain Flymo on 12:27 pm with No comments
OK, so I've started doing mixes digitally and I've been working on my first one. It's about an hour long and it's progressive house. I've put it up on Soundcloud and it's available for download from there (for free - aren't I nice?). Find it at:
The Somerset Experiments 001 by deckmonkey
The Somerset Experiments 001 by deckmonkey
All comments on it gratefully received!
Tracklist:
1) Loneliness (2010) - Tomcraft (Roy RosenfelD Remix)
2) Sweet Dreams - DJ Nick Corline (Instrumental Mix)
3) Wasted - Andy Duguid Feat. Leah (Original Mix)
4) Two Dots - Lusine (Nic Fanciulli Remix)
5) Freeze - Bimbo Jones (Hector Fonseca & Saul Ruiz Dub Mix)
6) Pizzi - Joonas Hahmo (Proff & Vadim Soloviev Remix)
7) Bounce 2 The Beat (DJ Purple & Sam Diego - Club Mix)
8) Avian - Mr Fluff
9) Ariel - Nicky C (Original Mix)
10) Scarlet - Dinka (Original Mix)
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Posted by Captain Flymo on 6:01 pm with 1 comment
I knew it. It had to happen eventually. It was too good to be true. As of today, I am single again because I am completely incapable of being emotionally mature and talking about feelings. Well, I can but not until I know someone really, really well. I mean as in at least 6 months, maybe a year. Certainly not 2 months in. Anyway, that fucked it right up, but at least we parted on decent terms and hopefully, we will remain friendly. Still, fucked my week right up when I realised that I had to end it or risk causing a good deal of hurt to the other party. At least I did (with a little prompting) come to that realisation before any serious damage was done.
Fuck it. Back on the shelf - I know my place...
Fuck it. Back on the shelf - I know my place...
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Posted by Captain Flymo on 6:36 pm with No comments
Today I had cause to visit an NHS clinic at a fairly large general
hospital. The website said that it was a walk in clinic and stupidly I
believed it. It was right in the sense that, strictly speaking, I
didn't need an appointment. However when I arrived at 5 I was told
there might be a bit of a wait, despite the almost empty waiting room.
No problem I thought, 45 minutes or even an hour is OK.
hospital. The website said that it was a walk in clinic and stupidly I
believed it. It was right in the sense that, strictly speaking, I
didn't need an appointment. However when I arrived at 5 I was told
there might be a bit of a wait, despite the almost empty waiting room.
No problem I thought, 45 minutes or even an hour is OK.
Over an hour and a half later I am still waiting. According to the
whiteboard in the waiting area there are 9 staff on duty, so how in
the name of frickin Chuck Norris does it take this long to be seen?
Why advertise it as a walk in clinic when they clearly can't organise
a walk in slot properly? I'd have happily made an appointment but the
website was quite glib in suggesting that there'd be no problem just
turning up.
So learn this lesson well - never, ever trust to sn NHS walk in
clinic, always book an appointment.
Monday, February 01, 2010
Posted by Captain Flymo on 9:19 pm with 2 comments
Right, that's it. I've had enough of being a miserable sod. I've decided that it's high time I stopped moping about and made things happen this year. It is all going to change. I started internet dating again the other week and I've been on a few dates and this weekend just gone I met an absolutely gorgeous girl and we really clicked. We both really like each other and we're chatting every day and seeing each other again this weekend. Now, it's early days, make no mistake about it, but everything looks positive at the moment. I don't want to some over all soppy and start eulogising, but she is gorgeous - absolutely stunning. I am genuinely punching well above my weight and she thinks I'm 'ruggedly good looking' which I'm assured is a very good thing. Not that I've ever though of myself that way, ruggedly plain perhaps, but hell I'm not turning down a compliment like that!
I'm smiling. A lot. Which is pretty unusual for me at the best of times, so I am pretty damned happy right now. Of course, maybe it'll fizzle out or whatever, but even if it does (and I sincerely hope it doesn't), I will have had a fantastic time and now know that there are lots of gorgeous girls out there looking for someone just as I am and some of them seem to like me. So no matter what, I'm going to make this year work and that means being proactive in finding someone and finding a new job that actually pays me what I'm worth and then using the extra cash to pay off my debts (not that I have many) and then start saving properly for a house deposit.
But never fear, dear reader, for I will still feel the need to rant now and again, so the old me will still make comedic appearances to bring occasional mirth and eyebrow raising. But I'm not going to allow myself to be miserable through inertia and excuses.
Listening to: Hafdis Huld - Synchronised Swimmers
I'm smiling. A lot. Which is pretty unusual for me at the best of times, so I am pretty damned happy right now. Of course, maybe it'll fizzle out or whatever, but even if it does (and I sincerely hope it doesn't), I will have had a fantastic time and now know that there are lots of gorgeous girls out there looking for someone just as I am and some of them seem to like me. So no matter what, I'm going to make this year work and that means being proactive in finding someone and finding a new job that actually pays me what I'm worth and then using the extra cash to pay off my debts (not that I have many) and then start saving properly for a house deposit.
But never fear, dear reader, for I will still feel the need to rant now and again, so the old me will still make comedic appearances to bring occasional mirth and eyebrow raising. But I'm not going to allow myself to be miserable through inertia and excuses.
Listening to: Hafdis Huld - Synchronised Swimmers
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